Confronting the Past
by rjwritergirl
Summary: Anna and John have a conversation what happened. Spoilers for 4.03! Trigger warning!
1. Chapter 1

_This is a two shot, I figure it's set between 4.08 and the Christmas Special, about a year after the rape. I didn't like how Anna and John never seemed to talk about the rape and while I do realize that it's the 1920's, rapes were handled differently then, Anna and Bates seem quite progressive and they wouldn't want to have it swept under the rug when it's just the two of them._

_I'd like to thank my friend downtonluvr on tumblr, she helped me title this fic. :) Thanks sweetie!_

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_**Trigger warning!**_

John lay back and took in a deep breath. "Comfortable?" Anna's voice made him turn. She was packing up the picnic basket and he caught her smiling at him before he closed his eyes again.

"I'd be more comfortable if you were in my arms." The words drawled out easily.

"I'll be there in a moment." Anna finished packing the basket back up and cast a glance around the blanket before laying down next to her husband. She put her head on his shoulder and his arms wrapped around her. She stretched an arm over him and sighed, content.

"I wish we could stay here forever." The wish came several minutes later.

"That would be nice," John said, "But just like all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, I think the opposite would ring true as well."

Anna hummed an agreement, nodding. They lay together for several minutes more before John moved his head to look at Anna, she was quiet, but awake.

"What are you thinking about?" John's quiet murmur made Anna turn her head to look up at him.

"Things." She was evasive, and he suddenly knew what she'd been thinking about. Her hand patted his chest awkwardly.

"Do you want to talk about those...things?"

Anna pushed herself up on her elbow. "It wouldn't change anything."

"Your nightmares lessened when you told me a lot about it." John said. "I know you've been having more nightmares then usual lately."

"Not here." Anna lay back down, one hand lightly gripping his shirt. "When we've gotten home."

"All right." John let his arms encircle his wife again. They stayed by the brook for nearly another hour before they went back to their cottage. It was as they were putting everything away that Anna brought the subject up herself.

"It's been almost a year."

John didn't have to glance at the calendar to know what Anna was talking about. Dame Nellie's concert had been nearly a year before. He took in a breath. "I know."

"I know it won't happen again, at least I hope it won't, but I still get scared sometimes." Anna spoke carefully, not wanting to show how scared she was just talking about it. She could hear John stepping forward, but even with the knowledge that he was right behind her, she still started when he lay a hand on her arm. "Sorry," The whispered apology came out without her permission.

John's voice was tender; "you've done nothing to be sorry for, Anna." He led her to the table, she sat there, her back rod straight as she looked on as John knelt in front of her, when it registered what he was doing, she shook her head, his leg would bother him. "My leg will be fine." he preempted her argument. Her mouth worked for a moment before John cupped her face in his hands. "You have done nothing wrong Anna." His voice was quiet, he caressed her cheek with a thumb. He looked at her like he always had; with love and adoration.

Hesitantly, she reached out and touched him. Her hand landed on his shoulder and she gave it a gentle squeeze. "I-I keep feeling that something bad will happen on the day it happened, the anniversary I mean."

John continued to look up at his wife. His leg was screaming for him to get off of it, but he ignored it and continued to speak. "I can't promise that nothing is going to happen, Anna, you know I refuse to make you a promise I can't keep. But I do promise you that I would do anything to protect you and keep you safe."

"This is all my fault..." Anna started. John pressed a finger to her lips, stopping her mid sentence.

"You are without fault Anna, it is the fault of the..." He broke off, frustrated with his inability to come up with the proper word. "Miserable curr who assailed you." Despite the subject matter, Anna gave a watery smile, this was her orater. "You did nothing to bring this on, none of this is your fault. If there is fault to be had, it's with me."

Anna shook her head silently but John overrode her, "We both know that I wanted to follow you downstairs, but my Irish pride got in the way. And then, when I could tell that something was wrong, I didn't give you the space you needed. Even when I could tell that you didn't want to be touched, I touched you. Instead of helping you heal, I was hurting you more."

Anna reached out and cupped his cheek. "Oh John,"

"If there is anything I could do to make it all better for you..."

"You have,"Anna soothed, "I'm just having a bad day. It's like you said when we got married and you were having flashbacks of the war and prison, some days are worse then most." She let her thumb tap on John's lips "and even though it's been wonderful to spend time with you today, it's been a worst day."

"What can I do today?" John asked, "To help you?"

Anna smiled at her husband, "You can get off your knee for one, and for second..." she trailed off trying to think of something. John stood but pulled a chair up and sat next to her. "How about I make you some tea, just the way you like it?" He suggested.

"That sounds alright." Anna said, "I'll take a bath, bring it in when it's ready."

John pressed a quick, chaste kiss to her cheek. "Of course my love." he said.

Anna made her way upstairs and began drawing her bath, thankfully, Lord Grantham had installed pipes into the house and they were able to get warm water straight from the tap. Soon she was easing her way into the bath, the bubbles she'd poured in surrounding her.

"My love..." John broke off as he walked into the washroom.

"Yes?" Anna turned as he walked in. She watched his face change, his jaw went slack and his eyes widened. "What is it?"

"You look beautiful." his voice was soft. He set her tea on a shelf and dragged a stool over to the tub and then set the tea on it, so she could reach it without having to get out of the tub.

"I think you're a little biased." Anna smiled, she stretched out, sighing happily.

"I think you're beautiful." His voice lowered as he pulled up another chair and sat down. "Your skin glistening, your braid partly wet, the strands coming loose." He was looking at her like he'd take here there.

"Come join me." Anna said, "We know this tub is big enough for two."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Anna sat up, and motioned with her chin, "Come sit behind me."

John quickly striped and slid into the tub, the water seemed dangerously close to sloshing over the edge but Anna ignored it and lay her head back onto her husband's chest.

John's hands found a place on her hips and stomach. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder and then her neck. She giggled and looked behind her, into his eyes. "John," she grew serious, she could see her husband's eyebrows furrow in worry and she spoke quickly. "I said I wanted to talk about..." She trailed off, "Things later, when we got home."

"Of course." John's tone was soft.

"Well, I do feel like I need to talk about it, but what to say?" Anna asked. "I feel like I've said everything that needs to be said about it."

"I have an idea." John said, his right hand gently squeezed her hip.

"Yes?"

"I have a couple of questions, would you mind if I asked them?"

"No, I don't mind."

"Where did it happen?" John asked, he buried his nose in her hair.

Anna closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "The boot room." the words came out as a whisper but John heard them the same.

"The boot room?" He made sure he'd heard her correctly.

"Yes." He could feel one of Anna's hands touching his leg.

"You said when you got downstairs, he was waiting for you?"

It took Anna a moment to answer, it was a quick nod.

"Did he have a question?" John asked.

"What?"

"You said it was a stranger." John reminded her. "He broke in,"

"I-" Anna's mouth worked for a moment.

"Anna?" John's voice was very gentle.

"Yes?"

"What happened?"

"I've told you." Anna's voice went up in pitch, like she was worried.

"Anna?"

"Yes John?"

"Why don't we dry off and go lay down together and talk?" John pressed a kiss to Anna's cheek.

"John..."

"Please Anna?" It was his tone that broke her.

Finally she nodded. "Yes, alright."

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	2. Chapter 2

_**Here's the second (and last) chapter! enjoy!**_

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They dried off, with Anna refusing to look at John, she slipped a new dress on, buttoning it up quickly. They went into their bedroom and lay down on the bed together. Anna pressed close to John, he could feel that she was scared and he kept his touch gentle.

"What happened?"

Anna buried her face in his chest but spoke, she told him how she had gone downstairs to take a powder for her headache and she'd been drinking it... "then he came into the kitchen." She stopped talking then, shaking.

John rubbed her back slowly, "it's alright." he said quietly, his tone gentle. "You're safe."

Anna seemed to be shrinking in his arms. "He said something, then grabbed at me. I-I tried to pull away."

"I know you did love."

"On bad days, I can still feel his lips against mine." Anna sounded disgusted, she gripped John's arm in fright. John's voice was quiet and soothing, soon she pulled away a little to continue speaking. "He dragged me, by my hair into the boot room."

John could feel the familiar revulsion settling into the pit of his stomach.

"I tried to get away," tears finally crept into her tone and she shook as she cried into John's chest. "I tried so hard to get away John!"

"I know." He kept his voice calm as he rubbed her back.

"You're the only one I want, John."

"I know."

"I swear, I never did anything to make him or anyone think that I was unhappy with you."

"I know you didn't." There it was again. Ever since he'd found out about Anna being attacked he had thought on multiple occasions that it was Green who had attacked Anna, or at the very least that it had been someone new in the house, but he didn't have any concrete evidence. Why would Anna be saying that she hadn't done anything to make him think that they were unhappy if it was a stranger who had attacked her?

"Even when I can't..." She trailed off. "Be intimate with you, you're the only one I want."

"I know my darling, I've never had any doubts," John said, he tried not to remember the time that Anna had been laughing with Green. For a moment before he'd snapped at her in the servants hall, he'd thought that she'd been in love with him, that she'd happier with Green than she could be with him.

"I screamed so loud for someone..." John's heart tore in two at the devastation in Anna's tone. Of course she had, because if someone had needed help, she would have come, and naively, she'd have thought that someone would have come when she'd screamed for help.

"But no one came, and he..." She broke off, crying into John's chest. "When he was finished, he got dressed and..." she broke off again. "He said that my husband had no idea what kind of a shameless woman he'd married and that if he ever found out what I had done, you..."

"How did he know that you were married?" The question came out before John could stop it. There was a long pause, the silence stretched between them and John spoke again. "If it was a stranger, how did he know you were married?"

"I-" John could almost hear the wheels turning in Anna's brain.

"Anna, my love?" He waited until she gave him a murmured "uh huh?" before continuing to speak.

"Who hurt you? I know you know who it is, Anna." He kept his voice soft but pressed her for more information. "I know that you're scared of him and scared of me doing something to him. I won't." Making the promise was difficult, but if it was who he thought it was, there was nothing to be done anyway. "You're so brave, living so well after what happened."

She curled in closer to him, her hand gripping his arm and shirt, "It-" she started, it took her a moment but she continued talking, the next words came out in a rush. "Itwasgreen."

John let out a breath that he hadn't realized he was holding. "I thought so..."

"You didn't like him for good reason." Anna said, she looked up at him. "I should have trusted your judgment."

"Your ability to trust people is one of the many things I love about you."

"My trusting ability didn't work out then." Tears still clogged Anna's voice.

"No," John had to admit that Anna was right about that. "It didn't. But you're so wonderful and brave." Anna let out a sobbing scoff, clearly she didn't believe John.

"You are, when I was fighting in the Boer war, I saw what being attacked like that did to other women." He took in a breath. "It destroyed them, as it should have, but you're much better then I thought you would be when I found out about it."

"Because you've been wonderful," Anna told him. "It's because of you that I'm doing so well. Your strength has made me stronger."

"You are so much stronger then I am, Anna." John kept his voice gentle, she began to weep quietly, and he kept his touch gentle, not wanting to scare her. He lowered his head to her ear and whispered words of love to her, how much he adored her, how strong he thought she was. It was something that he'd done before, and it seemed to help her when she was feeling despondent about what had happened. He'd do it every day if it meant Anna healed.

Anna's tears abated but she continues to press close to John, laying her head on his chest. "You knew?" She finally asked.

"I had no firm proof." John said quietly. "So I didn't do anything."

"So you didn't kill him?" Anna asked, she turned to look up at John, he could see the desperation in her face, she knew the answer without even asking the question, but she needed to hear the words all the same. It was just like when he'd found out about the rape and she needed to know that he still loved her.

"No..." He paused, Anna had been honest with him, so now it was time for him to be honest with her. "I was in London, but I was meeting up with an acquaintance from my time in prison." He took in a breath as he stroked Anna's hair. "He knows of our dream of buying a hotel and he had found a hotel that he thought we might be able to buy. I went to London to look it over. I didn't tell you because I was unsure if it was going to be more then just a possibility. I didn't want to tell you and have you get your hopes up only to have them dashed."

"You didn't..." Anna sounded relieved.

"No, I didn't." John's voice was soothing. I will be happy to give you the letter he sent me, it's still in the desk."

"How did you know it was him?" Anna asked, she didn't want to know, but couldn't help but ask, it was like a bad dream, you didn't want to have it but you couldn't wake up from it either.

"The way he looked at you, the way he flirted with you, the way you reacted upon seeing him again." John said, "But since you had told me it wasn't him, I thought the only possibility was that he went downstairs to get away from the concert, like he said he had had come upon you being attacked and hadn't done anything to stop it."

"You're not mad I didn't tell you?" Anna asked, sounding very tiny.

"No, my darling, I'm not mad." John looked down at her. "I can't think of any words that describe what it must have been like to be attacked like that. But I can easily imagine that you were, are..." he corrected himself "incredibly frightened of him." There was silence for a long moment, as Anna played with a stray thread on John's shirt.

"Horrific." The single word surprised John until she said another one. "Horrid." Then he understood, that Anna was describing what it had been like. Tears clogged her voice again, "dreadful. He was evil, John."

"I know." John kept his voice at a whisper. Anna looked up then, a watery smile forming. The smile surprised him, but he didn't say anything as she whispered another word. She stopped playing with the stray thread and placed her hand on his cheek.

"Incredible." Anna's smile grew at John's obvious confusion. "Now I'm describing the opposite of what he did to me." She took in a breath and her smile became real. "When we make love." She got comfortable in John's arms and began to list words, "Wonderful, pleasurable." Now she moved to kiss him, the kiss landed on his chin and she smiled brightly. "Perfect."

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